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ARTICLES AND ESSAYS

One of the greatest needs for children is to feel secure in their environment. Secure children are those who know that they are loved by family and friends, even while their little world is being dismantled. While most children are flexible and adjust quickly, they can also be traumatized by sudden moves and a lack of acceptance in the new environment.

In his book, Managing Transitions, William Bridges says that, while change is situational, transition is psychological—a three-phase process that people experience as they internalize and come to terms with the new situation. The three phases are:

Letting go of the old ways and the old identity they had;
An in-between time when the old is gone but the new isn’t yet in place; and
Coming out of the transition and making a new beginning.

Although this book was written for adults, kids experience the impact of transitions as well. In addition to prayer and spiritual nurture (topics for another article), they need preparation, help and support during the transition experience. Creativity, familiarity, understanding, closure and empathy will help them cope.

Creativity. When traveling, kids need creativity. Humorist Robert Benchley once quipped that traveling with children is the equivalent of traveling third-class by train in Bulgaria. He lived before the days of modern airlines, child seats, SUVs, DVD players and iPods, but those things are no substitute for creative parenting. For starters, each child could choose things for her own personal travel kit such as games, pens, markers, drawing pad, legos, a Game Boy, headphones, a favorite toy, CD, and DVD. You could also include a surprise gift.

John, a veteran missionary, told me they have a family joke about Dad’s meetings, where he would try to keep everyone, including the little ones, informed about what changes were coming up to avoid surprises and to help them know what they were headed into. Tim says they emphasize the positives of a trip, not only as a time to accomplish goals, but also as a fun time. His boys anticipate the trip because they allow for plenty of time to stop and do fun things along the way. But travel is only one small part of the stress of international transitions.

Familiarity. This contributes to a child’s sense of well-being. Kids not only know what they like, they like what they know. Lori, a mom with three small children, talks about her family’s re-entry to the U.S. “I found out the hard way that it is sometimes impossible to predict what will trigger a meltdown. With Nathan, who was five, it was the taking down of a favorite wall decoration from his bedroom in Mexico that tipped him over the edge. That same decoration lived on the wall here in Texas until just recently (he’s nine now!). Next time we make a big move, I think I’ll ask each of the kids to identify one special thing from their rooms that they love, and I’ll make a big deal out of packing it with them, unpacking it in the new house, and finding a special place for it in their rooms.”

Understanding. Jan taught kindergarten at a private academy in Central America, which required the students to be proficient in English. She began to realize that for one of her new five-year-old students, English was his fourth language! “Joey” felt pushed into yet another new situation, he was angry, very tired of it all, and he didn’t want to learn another language. But with patient understanding and the help of school counselors, Joey adjusted to this difficult transition.

Closure. Because transitions mean change in relationships, kids need closure. Missionaries are always saying goodbye, and children need help with that. Glenn and Judy planned ahead for their re-entry to the U.S. About three months before they left the field, they told their kids, "This might be the last time you do this; make sure you say ‘goodbye.’” And about three months before leaving, they started having friends over to say goodbye, so their schedule wasn't crammed full the last week. They also asked friends come out to the airport; it was a good time for hugs, tears, prayers and one FINAL goodbye.

Empathy. Children need empathy—someone to listen and validate their feelings. Ginny wrote to us about her experience: “I came back to the states from the Congo in 1964 as an 8th grader. We left because of a communist uprising—we had 24 hours to get out, were threatened at the border, and kids I went to boarding school with were killed. I had a wonderful extended family . . . But looking back on it, there was no one to tell my story to, and no one to affirm that my feelings were justified and OK. As an adult I will think everything is just fine and that I have dealt with it all until another missionary kid starts to tell her story and share her feelings—and then my eyes surprise me by welling with tears. My greatest need was to be heard and to have my feelings affirmed. If I could have visited with a sympathetic counselor who merely re-worded my thoughts to indicate that he understood, it would have been immensely useful!”

Transitions threaten a child’s sense of security, and while some kids handle change better than others, change is always difficult, and must be handled with care. As dads and moms seeking to serve God, it is essential that we keep our families “with us” in the adventure of following Christ and his call on our lives.

Written by: Jonathan Edwards